Me Thinks

Monday, February 26, 2007

Manam oru kurangu

About 2 years ago, one of my friends was visiting me. I was so excited that I told my husband that I was going to take him to all the nice places here and everything would be our treat. Friend came and we had fun. "If he tries to pay for any of these, he would have it from me", I thought. My friend came and went and didn't even ask if he should pay for anything. Strangely, I felt a little weird. Why didn't he even ask me if he should pay? I felt like a hypocrite. Why did I feel bad when I was going to say no to the offer anyway? I was whining to one of my friends (a blogger) and she acted like a shrink and made me feel slightly better. She said "Not offering is like not thanking someone after a good meal because they are going to say 'Dont mention' anyway." Its funny how our minds work. Or at least my mind.

Last week, a man was visiting us. The usual introduction happened. He asked my husband what he did, where he worked etc. Said hi to me. Asked how old our son was. Thats it. He didn't ask what I did. Not even "Do you take care of him full-time?" Well, I don't work now, I stay home. Thats the truth. But why didn't he even ask what I did. When he talked about business news or some IT advancement, he wouldn't even look my side. Its possible that he has the habit of looking at only one person and talking but I felt weird. Why doesn't he even think its necessary to ask me what I did? I remember asking a woman once "Do you work?" Pat came the answer from that stay-at-home Mom - "I work but I just don't get paid". I was very impressed. Probably, I wanted to use it with that guy but he never gave me a chance.;-) Just kidding. But why did he "assume" I wasn't working even though the fact is that. If I am actually blogging about it, it means only one thing - (My) Manam oru kurangu.

31 Comments:

Blogger Me said...

...enna dhan solla venam nu nenachalum mudiyala.....thala vedichidum pola irukay.....

...deepa neenga saapida order pannadha paathutu paavam unga friend bayandhurupan....;)

4:25 PM  
Blogger Oracle said...

Probably...

1st Man: "No sorry and thankyou between friends"

2nd Man: Dont develop interest in your friend's wife! :)

Having typed that, I feel like a korangu!

5:52 PM  
Blogger MLC said...

can't personally relate to both issues, but when i read thru , it sounded perfectly "normal" to feel all that u have!!

6:37 PM  
Blogger Laksh said...

Can absolutely relate to both your experiences. I can honestly say Been there been part of that :)

9:17 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

The first one is indeed annoying because the 'friend' thinks that it's your obligation to pay. Though it may not be so. I guess its the transformation from 'want to' to 'have to' that makes a difference.

The second one, perhaps the fella did'nt want to seem nosey at another man's wife business or it might as well be that his notion is 'oh she's just a another uninteresting, lifeless housewife' mentality that irks you. You know how shallow some men can be right?

Nevertheless, you are not alone. I relate to you in more ways than one. :-)

10:55 PM  
Blogger Rajesh said...

Two out of four posts - shows that you really want to get out there. Well, it 's really your choice.
Ippo yaaru enna panninaalum unakku appadi dhaan thonum.

11:59 PM  
Blogger urban trotter said...

Can personally relate to both situations. I would feel the same, without doubt, have felt the same...

2:29 AM  
Blogger Mahadevan said...

You feel dissappointed because you were looking forward for the pleasure of saying no. your friend may have felt that 'why to be formal with a close friend/'. This mis-match in thinking may have lead to the frustration. It has happened to me a number of times, even with my wife.

In the second incident, I share your sentiments. That friend should have put you also in the conversation, in the natural course. Certain manners need to be cultivated, by reading, by inheriting and also by learning from others.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Chakra Sampath said...

Could relate to both and I could relate to what you are saying.

9:14 AM  
Blogger mommyof2 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:22 AM  
Blogger mommyof2 said...

You sound like me;-) I am willing to be a great host but you have to earn it theory;-)I say it was rude of him for nor trying to pay even if he knew you were not going to let him pay but isn't it common courtesy? My hubby think “our(u & me) kind” go overboard with everything & expect others to behave the same way and if they fail we feel soooo hurt. I know I do;-)

I remember once there was a guy from India & my uncle gave him my #. We went to pick him up from JC to go to a restaurant but he said he wanted to go to Edison. Well we drove all the way there, made him try so many different things & juices, paid for him (of course;-). Few minutes later he went and got ice-cream JUST FOR HIMSELF. Hubby went & got ice cream for my son then. I felt like leaving him there;-)Still took him home, offered more food & tea and dropped him at his place. I was so embarrassed and even though HE PLANNED to come to my place three times afterwards, I made sure I was super busy;-)

Sorry for hogging ur space.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Me too said...

Howmuchever we think we are not the formal types, I guess, we are in one hidden corner of the mind!!

I had been in your friend's shoes once(ya, ya!)!! They were my neighbour and I literally lived in their place. Since they considered me part of the family, I never refused food when offered that my friend got so tired of my informality(!) that she asked in my face, 'will you ever say no'!! boo-hoo!! :(

BTW, I absolutely hate this "I'll pay. No, I'll pay" routine at payment counters.

You could try surprising people with your views/knowledge in 'sandhadisaakku'!! Sometimes you just have to grab opportunities

9:40 AM  
Blogger Syam said...

its the mutation...manusan kurunga irundha kaalam poi ippo manam mattum kurunga iruku..

andha friend yaaru ME ah :-)

11:18 AM  
Blogger Me said...

...cha cha cha....en image aa damage panradhukaagavey nario per kilambirkaanga ba....

11:33 AM  
Blogger Anusha Parthasarathy said...

I can relate to both Deepa...I have felt like this on some occasions...Some of my husband's friends or acquaintance dont even ask what I do...What I study! The moment the conversation to Technology, they wont even look at me...There have been occasions when they spoke about Dell Inc., their products, burnt laptops but would not even include me in the conversation...Its not that I am the authority for Dell, but the fact that I worked there does not matter to these people :)

But as concluded...Manam Oru Kurangu!!!

12:34 PM  
Blogger I said...

deepa, what happened to the last wednesday thing?

1:42 PM  
Blogger I said...

So everyone, Anusha worked for Dell.

5:57 PM  
Blogger The Visitor said...

Not offering is like not thanking someone after a good meal because they are going to say 'Dont mention' anyway.

Fantastic explanation! I never thought of that and seems to make a lot of sense.

Of course both instances are situations where the interaction is dependant on the extent of informality existing between you and the other person.

In the second instance, I can quite understand the man's action; back home here it would/might be considered impolite to ask about or look at the lady of the house, where one is a guest. Jay has rightly suggested that it could be considered nosey.

PS: Senile nnu oru pechukku sonna, udane 75 years old'nnu mudivu panniduveegale!

3:52 PM  
Anonymous ttm said...

I guess the unsaid protocol with my close friends is that both reach for the purse and whoever fishes out the cash/card first gets to pay. However, the my worst was with a friend who was utterly hopeless when it came to getting the purse out first. The bigger blow was to come later - I recommended my favorite chocolate drink to him, filled out a cup for myself, he took a sip from *my* cup and handed it back saying he'd opt for something else. Either way, no more eat-outs with the guy :)

As for story 2, not verrrrry different from what I do sometimes - you don't want to engage the wife into a techie discussion and embarrass her if she knows zilch about it. It is the friend's responsibility(if he's close enough) to share what his other does, if the wife gets slighted, it's all the husband's fault! For the housewives who I know to have a tech education, I always encourage them to study or join the workforce - after all, Indian girls perform better than guys in acads.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Deepa said...

Ada paavi, Me, saappadu was just one aspect of that entire trip.
oracle, if you ever visit me, I promise to get your debit card before you enter my place. Oops, I'd be demanding a card from someone else's husband. But thats OK, I guess.;-)
mlc, thanks for labelling me "normal". That means a lot.:-)
laksh, urbantrotter, sampath and jay, Thanks. I gues thats what I neede to hear.:-)
mahadevan Sir, I guess you are right about the exposure part. Another (political)word is MCP.:-)
mommyof2, there is no death of "silly" people I guess.
MT, andha case a neeyum.;-) Sandhadi saakku doesnt work always and I hate to sound friendly and indulge in a conversation just to prove a point. Maybe I should have. Then this post wouldnt have happened.;-)
Syam, Me illa adhu. He doesn't visit. Remember he travelled to DC and went back?:-)
AP, bingo.
SK, I am not surprised you liked my friend's anology. You like her blog, so...hey thats where we met.
TTM, thats what I always say. The husband is the one at fault...almost always.;-)

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Blog addict said...

Deepa,
Your reply took me back to the blue template and that fateful day/night of the blog addict, who was saved by a comment in time. :)
PS: On second thought I'll leave out the PS :D

1:42 PM  
Blogger The Kid said...

I can understand the second scenario, because I have been one of those guys. Well, sometimes when people ask you if you worked, you could get annoyed. There is no easy way for a stranger to politely ask about that... either way it could be irritating. He could not have known that you were bouncing to answer that question, could he? :-)

I think that is why he did not ask you. I am sure he did not assume that you quit your job.

unga veetukku vandha free saapda? btw, I dont like "hotel" food. I prefer home cooked southie food.

9:29 PM  
Blogger rads said...

ah, tricky situation rt, from his pov - but whenever such things happen based on assumptions - I say only 1 thing - when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.
Whatever that means, I like the initial part of the phrase ;-))

4:30 PM  
Blogger Ajay said...

maybe he is a shy creature like me..

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Nilu said...

What's the point? Why do people want to be looked at when spoken to?

5:22 AM  
Blogger KK said...

Nice scenario's First scene that friend at least could have done an action... that might have made you feel better... :)
Second scenario, Well may any way it could have become an insult depending on the person... so poor chap he didnt know that you were all set to answer him... :)

6:46 PM  
Blogger The Visitor said...

Pl. see item 4 in the following post

12:48 AM  
Blogger The Visitor said...

Here is a link related to addiction of the tech gizmos like email, chat, blogs, twitter etc.

Creating passionate users
PS: Now I understand why I was addicted. :)

2:47 AM  
Blogger Venkatesh S said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:43 AM  
Blogger Venkatesh S said...

I very much agree to your thought process and I can assure you that this is not the only situation where we can't find a rational explanation for the things happening.

I can give you one more such incident too. Guys are attracted to girls (can't really help it). They approach girls whoever they find attractive. They usually start with a pick-up line which the entire world knows to be a pick-up line. The girl acts in a way that she doesn't realize the guy is hitting on her. And the guy also thinks that the girl had fell for his pick up line. But the fact is both of them know that the guy is hitting on her and the girl is responding. I just wonder why they just don't speak out. I can't really put in words exactly wht i feel. I hope you get my point.

12:50 AM  
Blogger Deepa said...

SK, I like the new name - blog addict.:-)
kid, maybe you have a point.
rads, I like that adage too but everyone uses it all the time these days. Its become cliched.
Ajay, shy a?
SK, thanks for that link. I loved all the points.
KK, thats for empathising.
Venkatesh, very true. Read this post. You might like it.

7:37 AM  

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